Don Rickles ROASTS That Made Johnny Carson Lose It Completely

Don Rickles remained the ultimate broadcast antagonist who feared  no human.  So, I I walked out and I said something about the Queen. I said, “Your Majesty,  forgive me.” And blah blah blah. I said, “Look, how’d you get all the jewelry? How’d you get so rich?” And blah blah blah.

 “My mother’s living  in two rooms in Miami. You have a big house with a flagpole. And I’m getting fed up.” And boom, you’re sitting here laughing and they’re all going, “Haha. Haha.” And they  keep checking with her to see if  This famous icon humiliated the most powerful superstars  in entertainment business.

 So, all right. I was just about finished. I was done with the espresso. And I Finally, he went back  and I walked by the table and I said, “How are you, Don? Nice to see you.” He said, “Can’t you see I’m eating, Frank? What are you doing?”    And I went I WENT THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.

 He walked away with his mouth open.  Standard network rules  and polite manners could never contain his aggression.  Hey, I’m not saying that facetiously. I’m not retiring. I’m just stepping down as the host of this show. There are other things There are other things I want to get up. Stop trying to be graceful. They asked you to get out and you walked away.

   Now, let’s witness the pure chaotic brilliance of our greatest unscripted comedy master  I’ve been nice about this. YOU’RE GOING TO RETIRE MAY MAY 22ND, RIGHT? AND WHEN YOU RETIRE, I’M GOING TO SAY, “JAY LENO, I ALWAYS LOVED HIM.”    YOU JUST GO  HE WAS MY FAVORITE COMEDIAN FROM SINCE HE WAS A KID. SO, CRY OUT LOUD.

 one Johnny Carson cannot stop laughing at Don Rickles’ ruthless jokes. Don Rickles, the legendary insult master dubbed Mr. Warmth launches an unprovoked verbal assault to initiate absolute television chaos.  Destroy Destroy my version of Rhinestone Cowboy.  But just don’t come in my neighborhood. You’re going to get a lot of hugs.

This is a beautiful outfit. Billy Bob Jack coming out of Shoot Nine. Ride ’em, Billy Bob. Jewish people, we don’t go to rodeos. We just sit at home and go  Ridiculing the host’s bizarre wardrobe choices. The vicious comedian describes feeling trapped inside a mental asylum.    I got a rodeo cowboy and a guy on a highway alongside me here.

   I feel like I’m some yo-yo at a state institution.  That was a funny bit at the Gee, we laughed back there.     The mule died.  The mule died.  Through bizarre backstage observations, our frantic guest invents a wild story about a patriotic legend.  I wasn’t watching you actually.

 I was backstage with Bob Hope. I You know, that’s America and I kept saluting him and he, you know, painted stars on his face and hoisted him. He kept running up and down the hall with his helmet going, “Isn’t there a war?” Lonely guy. Lonely guy.  How this insult master balances dramatic career aspirations with financial obligations creates massive audience laughter.

 Now, you you really deep inside, if you had your choice, Jack Benny, whom we both knew and everybody loved, said to me one night on the show, and I think he meant it seriously, if he had his choice, he could never get another laugh in his life or become the world’s greatest violinist, he’d almost want to be the world’s greatest violinist.

 I get the feeling sometime that you’d give up getting the laughs to be the world’s greatest dramatic actor.  Well, when I think about it, I To be honest, with my mother’s payments in Florida, no.  To terrorize the host further, the aggressive star delivers an absurd historical religious joke.  Let thyself know that thy Red Sea will spread apart.

 They really believe that our people crossed the Red Sea. Two Jews went The German guy went, “I didn’t know that.”  What What German guy?  German guy’s sitting right over there, the one with the helmet and the bayonet. Anyway, now don’t write letters. That’s a joke. Or cuz I said Sizzler, I didn’t say it.

 Ed’s always on the end copping out. I didn’t say nothing, all right?  If standard interviews require polite conversation, his random bathhouse invitation shatters all remaining broadcast etiquette.    We got a lot of time to kill here. What I don’t care what we talk about. What’s uh Why don’t we all GO TO THE STEAM ROOM?   [applause and cheering]  I KNOW YOU DRESS UP AS A GIRL, BUT I NEVER figured Good. Wait a minute. Shine.

 His ruthless comedic assault established, this legendary icon proved why audiences adored his unique aggression. Two. Don Rickles becomes a nervous mobster around Frank Sinatra. Don Rickles, the iconic insult master, changes his fearless attitude upon encountering an intimidating musical force.  Marco Mangano from Bino Bombazzo.

Two bullets in the head Thursday. Now this this is unbelievable.  Excuse us, Johnny. You’re You’re from the Midwest. You’re busy going, “IS THE TRUCK LOADED?”  GUIDO SAYS HI.  PRETENDING to represent organized crime, the nervous comedian delivers absurd threats about exploding automobiles.  He hasn’t had a chance to talk to you.

And from Jersey City, your good friend Bubani Umbazzo.    What does that mean? He started his car He started his car with your album on, and now HE’S A HIGHWAY.     BEHIND HIS AGGRESSIVE EXTERIOR, OUR unpredictable guest reveals an unexpected admiration for this romantic crooner.

 This is a great Irishman. This is America.  Yeah, that’s true.  And that’s why I just want to say, before we go any further,    for 14 years Johnny Carson kept saying, “Do you really know Frank?” And I want you to know Frank. I worship you and I love you. I really mean this because since I’m a kid, I used to blow in girls’ ears and hear you go, “La la la la di di di do it my way.

”  To mock ultimate romantic moments, the comedian invents a hilarious bedroom scenario about the famous singer.  But you just got married, Frank. I just can’t picture him on the wedding night standing in the room going, “And did IT ALL  [screaming]  AND I SUPPOSE IT’S MY WAY.” AND BARBARA BARBARA, HIS WIFE, IS GOING, “FRANK, when you get a minute.

” God bless you. He just got married. Hey, all the good things.  How this bold comic dismissed the ultimate superstar at a restaurant remains absolute television gold.  You may have known or heard about this. It was a true story. This is a long time ago, long before Don got married. I was eating dinner at a restaurant in New York and uh uh I was sitting with with some friends and he came over to the table and he said, “Frank, do me a favor.

 Would you?” He said, “I’m sitting with a very pretty girl and uh I’m trying to make out, you know?” And he said, “I told her I know you and she really doesn’t believe me. Would you stop by the table?” I said, “All right.” I was just about to finish. I was down to the espresso and I Finally, he went back and I walked by the table and I said, “How are you, Don? Nice to see you.

” He said, “Can’t you see I’m eating, Frank? What are you    Insulting the hired studio orchestra provides another classic moment of pure chaotic humor.  You notice how he keeps moving on stage all the time?  Moving all around all the time.  God God bless you, Johnny.    Look at the violin section.

 Why do they always look like the union DIDN’T CALL?    VIOLIN PLAYERS ALWAYS LOOK LIKE, “I GOT to get an operation.”    If standard celebrity interactions feel boring, their bizarre musical departure provides pure unscripted entertainment.  I’ll get you, Frank. Sing your song. Come on, Frank.

 Come on, we’re going to walk on the boardwalk. COME ON, FRANK.    COME BACK, FRANK.     THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HE’S INSANE.    THREE. DON Rickles insults the Queen of England and survives.  And as you get older, you start to go for those Mickey Mouse suits. Now, this is the toy Johnny Carson outfits that I made in Buffalo for $2.

With the thin lapels and the cute little shirts and then in the back he has a fake dick in and there’s no outfit.    No fly, no front, just a little underneath he’s wearing jeans and a dead cowboy suit.    A dead cowboy suit?  Yeah, well, they don’t know. Don’t try to say that.  Shifting his destructive focus, Don Rickles recounts an international comedic expedition featuring iconic American performers.

 Anyway, uh so, we went to London with Bob Newhart, who was great cuz he takes care of the luggage and the passports. Give it a go. You can come into the country. Anyway, and that’s in England and they talk like that cuz  they’re all from India. Welcome to our country. Anyway, uh and they all got turbans on their head.

“My memsahib, welcome to our country.” And  uh and Margaret Thatcher is on the corner going, “Don’t talk like that.”  Before facing the British monarch, this panicked comedian consumed immense amounts of intense Russian alcohol.    And I [cheering] said, my hands are God John, I said to my wife, I got to get a triple vodka.

   Get me anything, anything. I I’m not an alcoholic, but I need something. And Newhart had already been off and Bob did his adorable thing, which he does. He does it so great, the telephone thing, which they can all communicate with. And Bob said, “And now a guy that’s going to destroy an alien here.

” He said, “Someday you’re going to destroy us, you know.”  To shock the royal sovereign, our aggressive star contrasts her massive wealth against his modest childhood.  So, I I walked out and I said something about the Queen. I said, “Your Majesty, forgive me.” and blah blah blah. I said, “Look, how’d you get all the jewelry? How’d you get so rich?” and blah blah blah.

 My mother’s living in two rooms in Miami. You have a big house with a flagpole. And I’m getting fed up. And boom, you’re sitting here laughing. And they’re all going, “Aha! Aha!” And they keep checking with her to see if it’s funny, you know. And she was sitting there quietly having her martini going, “Aha! Aha!”  Meeting another prominent royal figure produces a hilarious conversation concerning famous sovereign family dynamics.

 And my wife said, “It’s not us, dummy. It’s us.” Boom.  This is Princess Margaret.  Princess Margaret. And we walk over and I say, “Your Highness.” And the first thing out of her mouth is, “That’s my sister.” Ah, and I went    If high society expects proper etiquette, his traditional ethnic cooking instructions violate all formal protocol.

 And the secret service there Scotland Yard, you know, and they all have white gloves and a lot of dickies that are popping up. And uh we sat down and we had a lovely discussion. And she said, “How’s your mom?” I said, “How’s your mom?” And we discussed this. And we chit-chatted. And then I gave her a recipe for Jewish message.

 And she did  She said, “Really?” And we did “Aha! Aha!” And we walked away. And I said to Barbara, “This broad’s rich.”  So, they got you.  Really rich. So, we had  Four. When Don Rickles hung up the phone on an Apollo 17 astronaut. Don Rickles, the legendary insult master, targets respected national heroes to create absolute unscripted television chaos.

 You’re doing something the day after tomorrow that a lot of us I had, you know, wanted to go. And we I’m working on the show. You were invited by Eugene Cernan, the captain of the Navy, who was the pilot of the Apollo 17 mission, which leaves Wednesday night. And you are in for one of the big thrills of your life.

And you see that  You see that tomorrow. I asked you that backstage. And it’s the truth. And Ed being a Marine pilot, I really look forward to this because  Sharing his upcoming space launch experience, the comedian praises their immense dedication amidst widespread national panic.  And you know what’s great that you guys say that because NASA right now, getting to know Gene Cernan and Jack and the other gentleman I never met, but the the humility these great guys, you know, and today with with war and troubles and all the problems we

have in our great country, it’s a These guys are just doing their job and to meet them is a delight as you both know. And they look at it just as any other job.  Right.  During a luxurious vehicle purchase, our frantic guest remembers his embarrassing old broken automobile.  A funny thing happened.

 We were in front of Chasen’s one night and as you know, and over the years all of a sudden I got like a 19 whatever Rolls-Royce. I never had a Rolls-Royce. You know, I saw it in the movies once and I used to have a Chevy that when you put your foot on the gas, you know, the gas came on the pants.    So I uh  To establish extreme comedic contrast, the actor mocks a brilliant space commander lacking basic automotive knowledge.

 dreams in life and I said to Gene, “Hey Gene, look at my new Rolls-Royce.” And he said to me, “Could I drive it?” And it was in front of Chasen’s. God’s truth. And I said, “Please, Gene.” And he got in and this is a guy, graduate, MIT, whatever, engineer, going to the moon, God will be with him, a wonderful man and he said to me, “Where’s the starter?” And I said, “This dumbbell’s    How this legendary astronaut drove an expensive car into a roadside ditch provokes massive audience laughter.

 Well, when we came back and he took us for a tour around Cape Kennedy in his car. He drove.  Worst driver Worst driver you’ve ever seen. I talked about it on the air. He’s He’s driving he says, “Over there is where the rocket is.” And we’re in the ditch.  Worst driver in the world.  We’re in the ditch and we kid him about it.

 And you think these guys they can see in the movies like it’s John Wayne on top of THE HILL GOING, “MARINE RAIDERS!” YOU KNOW.  Receiving an important telephone call from space isolation causes another trademark aggressive outburst.  And he spoke to me the other night and I the phone rings and you know you have a Carol O’Connor and a couple of us sitting around having a couple of drinks and the phone rings and it’s Johnny Carson and I said and I in my humor you know with that baloney I go like I say to Johnny when he calls or anybody of

any prominence I say right away give it not now I’m busy what are you bugging me bummer and Carson always goes okay and hangs up.    Dismissing prominent figures seems arrogant. His subsequent desperate panic reveals pure comedic genius.  And then I say to Barbara we got to get it back I need him.

Suck his ankles anything.    So uh The guys in the band went what’s so great about that?    ANYWAY UH THE GUYS IN THE BAND don’t know they’re here they they only look up when Buddy Rich’s whistle.  Because rocket launches contain inherent danger the cynical star plans a ridiculous legal defense strategy.

 Going down with Paul Caruso my attorney so in case anything blows up they don’t blame it on me.    And uh  You’ll never forget it I’ll tell you that.  It is an exciting thing.  You will never forget it.  And it’s and it’s quite a trip you know because you have to you have to land in Miami which is a great thing cuz I get to see my mother who’s down in Miami and she stands on Collins Avenue going  His absurd space program stories concluded this comedy king proves no American institution remains safe.

Five. Don Rickles attacks Johnny Carson over a Russian submarine.  No I took the wife and kids and we went on a regular ship like anybody else the Royal Viking I’m not plugging the Royal Viking it was a great ship and everybody was Greek and they all kept going And everybody was bombed even the captain kept saying I think we’re going to hit us hand bomb.

And uh I didn’t know cuz I was in my state room saying to the wife  Surviving this chaotic maritime disaster Don Rickles details his bizarre animal encounters upon reaching Soviet soil.  And we went on to Russia, and Russia is great. If you want to have a lot of pigeon stuff on your suit, it’s fantastic. The biggest excitement is the pigeons, and you go in Leningrad Square, and you go    And you go, “Don’t do that.

 Don’t do that.” Did you have The Russian soldiers go  Despite strict communist propaganda, our unpredictable guest reveals the unglamorous truth about local female citizens.  One thing about Russia, the women are beautiful. You hear they’re they’re they’re supposed to be  are beautiful?  Yes.

 Not not the ones we see on television propaganda, but the ones I saw. I was married, and I said to the wife, “Take a long walk.”  Uh Did you have an interpreter?  I’m happily married, and may God paralyze me if I would lie. Anyway, uh No, no. They’re That’s a fallacy. See, they only show you the broads with the hair under their arms going, “I am going TO TAKE THE THE JAVELIN, the javelin.

”  To highlight his worldwide fame, the comedian describes strange interruptions from enthusiastic American vacationers.  ROSE, LOOK WHO’S THERE. IT WAS ALL AMERICAN. WE’RE FROM IOWA, DON. DO YOU KNOW JOHNNY CARSON AND ED MCMAHON? I said, “Yes.” They said, “DON’T TAKE THE PICTURE.” NOW, BUT THEY ALL SAID, “DAD, ROSE, LOOK WHO’S THERE.

 DO YOU KNOW FRANK SINATRA? THAT’S TERRIFIC. TAKE A PICTURE. WOULD YOU STAND OVER THERE?” And all the Russian soldiers went And my son kept saying, “Don’t don’t don’t make a thing, Dad. Don’t make a  How logical architectural questions provoke sudden vicious personal attacks creates massive laughter among studio guests.  You and Ed would feel right at home.

 I mean, especially you, Ed. You just sit there and go That’s WHAT THEY DO. HOLD IT DOWN, GANG. Hold it down. We got a communist crowd out there. Now,  His ridiculous foreign adventure finished, this legendary humorist cements his status as a supreme entertainment icon.  Six, Don Rickles teaches baseball legend Lou Brock how to steal bases.

 Last you birds.  a bird museum. I must say you and I I I know.  You’re going to a Grange meeting or what?    This is a high-class show. This is not some  I know. I know. Forgive me, but I I usually don’t  interested. I’m Check this. We come from the same school of being meticulous and dress accordingly.

 One night you wore a white jumpsuit and I and I said to my wife, I said, “Hon, look at that.” And she said, “Hey, look  Wearing an unexpected armed forces uniform, Don Rickles insults the television host about bizarre fashion choices.  Anyway, the reason I’m dressed this way, I usually come out with a tie and a shirt. John knows.

 Meticulous, but we’re rehearsing CPO Sharkey and there is a rumor and a story about CPO Sharkey that it went in the and John, bless his heart, since we’ve known each other, I’ve had trouble with my own show. I have the best show in the world, I say it, and we are wearing CPO Sharkey tonight and CPO Sharkey will be on the poll and you people vote and right now  Through desperate television promotion, the frantic comedian begs the studio audience for broadcast survival.

 But here’s what I got to show you, Lou. May I show Lou something?  Certainly.  Oh, like I asked permission.  No. No.  See, Lou, when you steal, you’re 38, right, Lou? Son of a gun, you bright son of a And I met your wife, Fergie, in the back. She said, “Lou’s going to STEAL MORE BASES.”  TO CONFRONT A FAMOUS SPORTS LEGEND, our aggressive star discusses impressive athletic stolen base records.

 Willie Crawford Jr., that’s the truth. They go to the same school together. MY MAN MAKES 6 MILLION A YEAR AND GOES    BUT I’M ON IN THE FALL.  WHAT?  But I’m set for the fall.    What frustrates this manic entertainer involves massive professional athlete salaries compared against his own income.

 Did I ever tell you what we used for a ball?    Okay, go.  So see see Lou, when you when you lead off, you’re 38 now, right Lou?  Yes.  Lou, you want to Are these two tough?    FRAN RAPPERS, THE MANAGER, RIGHT? And he stands in the dugout AND GOES, “COME ON LOU, COME ON BABE, COME ON STAY, COME ON. COME ON STAY, COME ON LOU.

 HEY LOU, COME ON STAY, HEY. COME ON LOU, STAY, HEY.” AND LOU’S GOING, “HUH?”    SEE SO WHEN YOU LEAD OFF, SEE, lean like this.  Teaching a baseball champion how to perform basic athletic movements creates pure physical television comedy.  My daughter, my family, I must say from the bottom of my heart, I am a baseball fan.

 Tommy Lasorda is my idol, and you’re the second guy in the world that I adore, and you are a great athlete, and God bless you.  Thank you.    Hit him high, HIT HIM LOW. REMEMBER THE WORDS OF NOTRE DAME, WE’RE LOSING.    RIGHT, FATHER FLOTSKY?  HIS CHAOTIC sports segment finished, this brilliant performer proves his supreme versatile entertainment talent.

Seven, Don Rickles, the ultimate television antagonist, weaponizes unparalleled broadcast longevity to torment a famous late-night pioneer.  I like competition.  I know you.  Yeah. When you’re on 26 years, I mean, where’s the challenge?  Gives you a charge.  Yeah, but what do you need a charge? 26 years, walk away, IT’S OVER.

 YEAH.  I MEAN, 26 YEARS, I SAT WITH ED THE NIGHT. HE SAID, “How long is he going to keep  Marking intense network rivalries, our vicious guest invents absurd scenarios about amateur talent contest paranoia.  going like this. He’s worried about that little tap dancer ON STAR SEARCH.    GLORIA KOWALACHEK. 34 A 341.

 GLORIA OPENS UP AT THE PALACE IN ENCINO FRIDAY. WITH A 341. THAT show is annoying, Ed.  To highlight studio incompetence, the comedian describes an infuriating personal encounter outside the main broadcast facility.  I got to tell you. I went to I went to the gate and I came in  The gate, Harry? What do you mean the gate? Here?  The gate No, no.

 The gate at San Quentin.  Why? I see.    What the hell’s the matter WITH YOU? WHEN YOU’RE ON 26 YEARS, YOU’RE STARTING TO BE LIKE REAGAN. HUH?  THROUGH chaotic fabricated details, this iconic star transforms a routine security check into utter madness.  Anyway, you’re at the gate.  at the gate and I said I’m Don Rickles and and a Mexican people, please believe me.

 A lovable Mexican gentleman, but you know, he wasn’t a scientist.  Yeah.  And uh    He was by the gate and I said I’m Don Rickles. What do you want? What do you want? I said I’m doing the Tonight Show and this is my friend Harry. Harry Goines has been with me.  And he was a black man. That made him nervous.  yes.  And and we we’re in a Rolls-Royce, an old Rolls-Royce. It’s an old one, you know.

In fact, we had Marion Davies’ aunt in the back  Dead.  Anyway,  What happens during the subsequent telephone verification process creates massive laughter among the studio audience.  So So the guy at the gate said to me, “You’re Don I You’re not on the card.” I said, “Well, just phone the main gate.

” Hello, main Hello, main main midway. Main midway. Don Mayarical. Mr. Rickel, come in. Come in. And he stood there for 20 minutes and finally I had to get out of the car, put on a Mexican hat and rake his booth.    Uh anyway, uh  And rake his booth?  RAKE HIS BOOTH. HEY, EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS AN A GEM.

 YOU’VE PROVEN THAT MANY TIMES.    MENTIONING A PROMINENT younger successor provides one final brutal punchline for this unscripted comedic assault.  I’ll tell you this.  You’re going to be a new You’re going to  This is a new thing. Since you’re on 26 years and the competition, he’s suddenly leaning over going, “John don’t look  good. He don’t look good.

” JIGGLE. HE DON’T LOOK GOOD. HUH?  AND WE GOT THE YOUNG  WONDERFUL.  AND we got the young kid now. [cheering and applause]  Right. Jiggle. HE’S STARING AT HIM. DON’T WORRY. AND JAY LENO’S IN THE BACK SAYING, “HOW’S MY JAW?” ANYWAY, YOU’LL BE ON FOREVER. I KNOW YOU. YOU DON’T WANT TO WALK AWAY from that kind of money.

 Eight, Don Rickles brutally roast Johnny Carson about stepping down. Don Rickles, the ultimate comedy antagonist, transforms a touching farewell announcement into brutal unscripted television chaos.  Aren’t you Aren’t you getting a little old I know your age. The prom’s over. I mean, it’s summer. It’s summer.

 I know, but you’re dressing like some Chinese yo-yo or something.    YOU look like Hong Kong Charlie.  Hong Kong Charlie?  Examining bizarre summer wardrobe choices, the vicious comedian insults the iconic host without mercy.  So I heard the news. You got A NEW HOST.  I’M SO GLAD I  WHY? I WAS BACKSTAGE.

 EVERYBODY’S PACKING. IT’S A YEAR. THEY GOT A YEAR YET. Everybody got to say, “What are you doing? I’m getting the hell out of here before you.”  Behind the scenes, this unpredictable star describes immense panic among desperate broadcast staff members.  I wish you luck, John. I think I think it’s time you moved on.  I think so.

 I I’m not saying that facetiously.  retiring. I’m just stepping down as the host of this show. There are other things There are other things I want to get into.    Stop trying to be graceful. They asked you to get out, AND YOU’RE WALKING AWAY.  THAT’S STAYING ON. THAT’S his deal.  To destroy false television dignity, our aggressive guest reveals the harsh truth about network decisions.

 Stay on and take Sevenson with him with the funny jackets and hope they skyrocket.    He’s Jay Leno’s going to work in the crowd selling peanuts. But don’t worry, John. You got You got $40 million. You shouldn’t walk away.  I’m comfortable.  I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY. YOU GOT A HOUSE AT THE BEACH.

 I’M COMFORTABLE.  Discussing a younger successor produces another classic moment of pure comedic aggression.  Right.  I’m sure we thought saying, “Hey, that’s enough, Barbara.” How is Barbara, by the way?  Same.  I’M SORRY.    SHE’S a typical JEWISH WIFE. SHE’S WEARING THE JEWELRY now and signaling ships.

   HIS RUTHLESS ATTACK COMPLETED, this legendary humorist proved why fans adored his unique style. Nine, the funniest Tonight Show goodbye. Don Rickles makes Johnny Carson cry laughing. Shattering standard emotional television traditions, Don Rickles transforms this ultimate broadcast farewell into pure unscripted chaos.

 Thank you, Don.  And I’m running out of gifts.  Thank you, Don.  No heart and I we keep running over going, “Does he love her? Does he love her?” And usually you’re back in the chapel going, “What time’s the wedding?”    Did he Did he Did you know before he did this that he was a  No, I read it in the paper in Iowa.

 Through bizarre fashion critiques, our unpredictable star brags about winning prestigious clothing awards.  I want the paramedics to know who it is.  You’ve got little embroidered initials on your shirt.  That’s right. Well, what do you have? You have those phony seersucker shirts here.

 I don’t know  what they look like. And you wear cuff links.  I don’t wear cuff links.  I thought Well, I saw you at an affair when you had diamond cuff links. Just a minute. I want to see and try to work yourself up. She could be tonight, you know.    To destroy sentimental television moods, the comedian confesses his fake brief depression over this retirement news.

 You got to keep alert on WHAT THIS GUY  OKAY. I DON’T WANT THIS TO MISS. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU. YOU KNOW THAT.  OKAY.  MEANS A LOT TO ME.  NOW YOU LOOK, we’re going to we’re going to end this, you know, in May. Now are you going to miss coming here being  You’re leaving in May?  Yes.  I didn’t know that.

THAT’S RIGHT.  YOU’RE GOING?  YOU KNOW THAT.  OH, WELL, I do. And I’m I’m going to be very depressed for about 2 minutes.  What begins as profound gratitude becomes another trademark attack against the famous late-night pioneer.  Hey, I want to tell you and then we’ll get this out of the way.

 Thank you for 25 some odd years. We met in New York.  That’s right.  And I got news. God bless you. You’re the best. That’s the end of it.  Well, let’s You don’t have to do that.    Put you into it, didn’t I?  Well, look, it doesn’t That I know that I know I know I know that didn’t come easy for you.  at the end yet. It’s not easy for me.

 you into that, didn’t I?  That’s right. Roy Rogers are happy trails to you.  Mentioning a new vampire cinema project creates hilarious confusion about his actual Hollywood acting status.  Notice how he kept moving. He kept moving.  Is this Is this a serious picture?  No, it’s a black comedy.

 That doesn’t mean the black guys who are in the back of the  know what you’re saying to me. HEY, MAN, WE’RE GOING TO ROB  NO, NO, I know that.  No, the the black brothers back there they’re great. It’s the coming out. But it’s about it’s about vampires.  About vampires?  Robert Logia, yeah. What is this What is it about? Is it we on tape? I don’t know what the hell we’re saying.

 So, would you play a vampire?  No, I play A MONKEY. OF COURSE, A VAMPIRE. IT’S ABOUT vampires and Robert Logia bites me on the neck and enjoys it.  Because standard roles seem beneath him, the aggressive star demands absolute respect regarding cinematic billing.  And it’s going to come out sometime in the fall.

 My Academy Award speech should run about a half hour.  Good Good  You’ll be You You and Alex don’t go to those things.  Would you call it a starring role or a supporting role or  No, I’m co-starring.  Co-starring.  Yes, co-starring.  Co-starring. Co-starring.    I get the feeling I’m in some rest home with Mary Pickford.

 Co-starring.  Mary’s gone.  I KNOW THAT. THAT’S WHY I FEEL THAT WAY.  NOW THEY’LL PUT it’ll say Robert Loggia, Don Rickles.  No, no. It’ll say Don Rickles with help.  I would help.  Anyway, uh no, no. It’ll say Anne Parillaud, I believe.  Right.  Anthony LaPaglia, or Robert Loggia.  Or either one, and co-starring Don Rickles.

 If loyal television friendships matter, his ruthless promise betrayal proves no one remains safe from mockery.  Huh? Is it talkie, is it?  No, no. Charlie Chaplin’s the star.  I SAID   YOU’RE GETTING ON MY NERVES, MAN. YOU’RE GETTING ON MY NERVES. I’VE BEEN NICE ABOUT THIS.

 YOU’RE GOING TO RETIRE MAY MAY 22ND, RIGHT? AND WHEN YOU RETIRE, I’M GOING TO SAY, “JAY LENO, I ALWAYS LOVED HIM.”  YOU JUST DON’T  MY FAVORITE COMEDIAN SINCE HE WAS A KID. BUT, RIGHT OUT LOUD.  This historic broadcast concluded. The ultimate television antagonist cemented his status as a comedic king. Don Rickles wasn’t just a tyrant on stage.

He was an immortal comedy icon. Behind the ruthless insults  lay a warm heart and a great friendship. Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and comment on your favorite moment below.