Jonathan Winters’s FUNNIEST Jokes On The Tonight Show

Uh, some highway, a major highway.  Had concrete on it and everything.  concrete and everything. And I was sitting like this in the snow.  AND, UH, UH, state highway patrolman came up and he said, uh, “Uh, can I help you?”  And I said, “Yes, YOU CAN, UH, I’VE BEEN meditating over whether this vodka’s GONE OR  STILL THERE.

SO,  JOHNNY CARSON HAD met every kind of unpredictable guest on The Tonight Show. But, Jonathan Winters was the kind of man who could make the entire studio wonder, “Is he all right?” He once told a story  about sitting in the snow beside a highway. And when a police officer asked if he needed help, Winters calmly said he was meditating to see if the vodka bottle was empty.

One line. That was all it took. Carson knew right then that no one was going to control Jonathan Winters that night. If you remember when late-night television still felt real, risky, and funny without needing a  script, please like the video and subscribe to the channel before we begin. But, Jonathan Winters never belonged to the normal world.

   Hello, John.  Uh, gosh.  But, pretty thrilling, huh?  Well, it is.  I will wear my new sweater.  New for me.  Uh, it was in a fire sale and I grabbed it up.  I’m not proud. I A lot of my things are used.  Uh, the shoes were I bought those in the same sale.

No shame to that. It was a fire sale and  Jonathan opens in exactly his own strange way, gently making fun of himself and turning an old sweater into a deadpan little joke with a very unusual charm.  I was staying at a little cheap hotel back there. A real cheap hotel.  Yes, right.  And I got this call one day and it was from you, although I didn’t know it at the time.

 And I was just finishing up the show. I had a Johnny Carson? I said, “Yes.” He says, “This is Mr. Weldon?” I’m with a J. Walter Thompson advertising agency in here in New York. My ears just the whole scalp went up.  And I says, “We are doing some commercials for the Buick company.” I remember it so well. And he says, “We’d like like you to be our spokesman.

” And of course there’s a $2,000 in it and a new Buick. And right then a dollar would have been, you know, didn’t have any money. And I knew that you knew that I had to go back to California. I had to come back and do a show I was doing and I wouldn’t be there. So I started to do a fake phone call. $2,000 and a Buick suddenly gone. Jonathan tells the disappointment like a small old wound wrapped inside a laugh.

 And I could see the Buick just flying away and I’d already spent the $2,000 on the house driving the car. You you did little little cutie things, didn’t you?  Well, I still call guys up and I still answer the phone as different people. I love to do that. One of my favorite stories uh I love to Well, may- maybe you know, being an old person or and someone’s will say uh “Hello, uh is uh Jonathan Winters there, Allison?” “No, uh the boys.

The boys IN THE BASEMENT. HE’S UH COMBING THE KITTY.”  I SAY UH WELL, WHO’S THIS?  With nothing more than a change of voice over the phone, Jonathan builds an entire odd little world. The comedy comes from how completely natural the nonsense feels.  And I said uh Is is this Arthur Godfrey Jr.

?  Yes. I said, “Well, this is Elwood P. Suggins and I live out on the Lakewood Beach area. And my brother passed away here Sunday week and uh  I was I was wondering if you could do a JOB ON HIM.”  AND UH THERE WAS UH THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE.  And he said, “How long did you say he’d been dead?” I said, “Well, he passed away here Sunday week.

” He said, “Good Lord, man, where have you got him?” And I said, “Well, most of our people are from Boise and I didn’t want them to have to come that far just to look at grass, you know. So, what we did, we put him out there on the porch.  Set him up against the lattice. And cold spell set in, just kept him harder than a corpse.

”     This is Winters at his darkest, but still strangely graceful. He tells a creepy funeral home story in such a calm voice that Carson and the audience cannot help laughing.  I remember the other day uh the sun come out and he commenced to get fleshy.  His uh face dropped a little bit and uh I tell you, Mr.

 Lidle, even in death there’s humor. I My oldest boy, Lamar Jean, twisted the deceased hand around and put a SOFTBALL IN IT.”  WELL, LIDLE LIT INTO ME. HE SAID, “Good [snorts] heavens, I’ve never heard anything like this.” So,  then I of course I broke in and I said, “Well, it’s Johnny Winters and he uh said a few things.

”  Those are some of the little things that I What is the wildest thing you’ve ever done? Uh  The twist about the dead man holding a ball pushes the whole story into madness. The more serious Jonathan sounds, the funnier the moment becomes.  Well, I remember one story uh very well. Uh I I was sitting uh this was back east.

 I was back in New York. You were talking about an advertising agency made me think about this. And uh telephone rang and I went to the telephone and I decided I would become a character as I just mentioned. And a man said uh “Hello, uh is Jonathan Winters there?” And I said, “That little funky man’s on little tractor and he’s out in the backyard CUTTING SOME GRASS.

” SO UH HE said uh he said uh “Who’s this?” And I said, “This is saying.” “Who are you?” And he said, “Well, this is uh Mr. Cavendish and I’m with Benton Bowles or something like that. And I’d like to talk to Mr. Winters.” He said, “You mean Johnny?  Let me see if I can find Rondo.”  A normal sales call becomes a one-man show with several characters.

Jonathan is not just telling a joke. He is creating chaos right there in the chair.  Oh, well.  You didn’t tell You didn’t like the service by the way. Remember, we sat around talking about that several nights. You  No, I uh I got along fairly well with the service.  No.  Uh I was always disturbed because I didn’t know where I was.

 And unless you’re an officer, you see, you’re not clued in. And you’re not given the the top papers, which I felt I should have had at least one or two papers.  And uh I kept asking questions, which is always trouble. Running up to a captain, you know, or colonel like yourself and saying, “Where are we, sir?” “On your Christmas.

Move out.”  And I was ALWAYS MOVING OUT. I was frightened a great deal of time. Uh I was frightened of the guys. I I didn’t understand a lot of them. They didn’t understand me. I was kidding all the time, you know, I’d be in grandma one minute.  Hi, honey. You know.  That would uh  A lot of guys didn’t understand.

 That would shake up a barracks late at night.  down never forget to a full bird.  Jonathan talks about the Marines with a very innocent kind of fear. The funny part is that he never tries to sound heroic. He simply admits he was scared of almost everything.  No, I uh I was an unusual child, you know, you can imagine.

 Yes.  I I was frightening old people a lot, you know, scaring them on the porch or something like that.  Uh and doing in class. I I I was a slow student. I I’d like I was dumb.  That’s what he was called. He was slow.  Teachers. Yeah, the teachers would say the boy is slow.

Uh But I was you can imagine. I I I a little girl next to me or somebody like yourself. I go And the girl would laugh and then point at me and say, “Jonathan Winters doing things. Jonathan Winters doing things.” And I’d run out and jump through the window or something like  But uh no, I I was not a very good student.

 Uh I I had very poor concentration. And I was scared to death of the blackboard. Something about [snorts] when I to me  This moment shows where Winters’ comedy came from. A strange, lonely child who feared the classroom but somehow learned to turn his oddness into a gift.  went to a long straight  line.

She was tough and could have made a sergeant.  Two. Jonathan Winters turns every hat into a character.  Danger?  No, I didn’t, sir.  Buck Ettlehoffer. I hope you don’t mind I have one up here about you.  Uh no no, sir. Not a bit.  Well, I always have ever since I was 6 years old.

 I always had a bunch of stuff in the right side of my face.  Yeah, just like ball players, huh? Just like ball players do that, huh?  I suppose.  What has always been fun for me is to get a little cur dog and do that to them.  You’ll get their attention right away. They just got kids. They can’t see for about an hour.

 Well, Mr. Needlehofer, is it?  Needlehofer.  Needlehofer.  Yeah, Buck.  Where were you from, uh, Buck?  Originally?  Yeah, I’m sure.  Uh, I’m originally from Shawnee Run, Wyoming.  I see.  Working my way into Chicago.  Jonathan doesn’t need a normal introduction. The moment he sits down, he becomes a strange old man chewing on one side of his mouth and speaking as if he has wandered in from a town that never existed.

 And, uh, very serious, very serious. Never laugh at a salmon person.  You’ll have a treble hook into your face, boy, I’ll tell you. I know you’re tight with this man, but you laugh at a man who sat his hands in a cannery most of his life. That’s another reason to chew. Anyway,  You’ve had a, you’ve you’ve wore many hats, as they say.

 I wore many hats, I think in I think in society a man has to wear many hats.  That’s true. Uh,  I bet there’s a senator tonight somewhere who’s wearing a lot of them.  Yeah.  Uh, anyway, no, no, no.  You you you’re in the ranching business now?  I’m in the ranching business now, and I have been for the last 22 years.

 Uh-huh.  With just one line about working with salmon, Winters pulls the audience into a very strange world. The joke works because he treats something completely ridiculous with total seriousness.  Believe it or not, due to, uh, WOODPECKERS,  THAT’S HUMOROUS, BUT but sad.  Well, it’s sad, but it’s good, and it was a a conversation piece that got her hair in the local paper, and that’s all she ever wanted out of life, and uh, her legs looked wooden.

 Apparently to the birds.  Oh, I see.  And, uh, they ate her legs away.  Oh my god. And so I propped her up there in bed at the place and um you know, a good set of pillows and a good Zenith and you’re in business. So    This is the kind of wild imagination only Winters could deliver with a straight face.

The story is absurd. But he tells it like some sad little event that really happened down the road.  Water took the guys in the bunkhouse that had been out of whiskey and uh it took them there was 17 of them and uh they found them in unusual positions. Um  guy up there on a tree like this. Another man laid back, obviously said, “What the hell?”  Um well, flash floods coming immediately and you have to just make a run for it.

 Well, the dam broke.  What? Oh my god.  Which we never knew was in back of that ranch.  And you know, you’d think you’d go up there to fish. But we never did go back up in there and somebody got to playing in the dam AND BROKE IT.  WELL, IT’S NICE TO HAVE YOU WITH US.  WELL, IT’S REAL good to be here,  too.

 A disaster story is told in a dry, matter-of-fact voice. Then turns into a chain of bizarre images. Jonathan makes Carson laugh because he never blinks in the middle of the madness.  put that aside and decided I’d never kill anything again, you know. And uh so a guy came into my house here a few years ago and my wife uh had uh given me a a wonderful uh zebra rug, which she got on sale.

 Right.  And uh I don’t think she would, you know, in deference to any uh a wonderful woman and a wife of course mother of my two children, so I have to go along with that. And uh I think the the the sad thing was the tail was missing and when you have a tail missing on anything, it’s not good. Uh  because you go and oh, what’s happened to the tail?” You always have to explain this. She She got it on sale, man.

 The tail’s gone, you know. You know, it’s like it’s like a bear rug without the head. Come on, man.   It’s a bargain.  It’s a bargain, you know. Where’s the head of the bear? Went through the wall, you know. So, a guy came in and he said, uh,  From one old zebra rug, Jonathan creates an entire household embarrassment.

The missing tail is such a small detail, but it is enough to send the whole story sideways into comedy.  He looked down, he said, “Did you kill this zebra?” And I said, “Yes, I did.” Yeah. Oh, god. Did you kill it in Africa? And I said, “No reason to go to Africa.”  No, a companion and myself, uh, got in a, I don’t know, used Chevy, a little pickup, and, uh, threw in a heavy-duty, you know, one of those uh, Clint Eastwood numbers, and, uh, slipped out under the seat, and, uh, went on down to San Diego.

And, uh,  went in the zoo around 2:00 in the morning. Couple of six-packs for the guys, you know.  Hey, you said “beer,” so you know, and the other guy, “Give it to me.” So, uh, laid a fast 50 on him, went in. He gave one look at us, the zebra, you know.  [clears throat]  And it annoyed him, and his tail automatically fell off.

 Winters invents a zebra hunt so ridiculous that no one knows whether to believe him or laugh first. The best part is that he tells it as if the plan makes perfect sense.  You can call me Dick.  All right, Dick. You fought for your country in World War II.  Mhm.  Now, you’re a retired major general.  Pretty much so.

 Mhm.  I’d like to wear my hat until I’m drummed out.  Right. Tell me, General, the diversion of funds to the contras. There seems to be a trail [clears throat] from Switzerland to Iran back to the contras. Did you have any personal knowledge of the diversion of funds and did you profit from any of those monies at all?  That’s a long question.

 I would want you to take your time, General.  Well, I’ll certainly do that. Um I would say that’s a two or three parter.  Well, let’s take the first part. Did you know about the diversion of funds?  A little bit. A little bit.  Now, let’s go ahead with it.  The moment he puts on the hat, Jonathan becomes an old general dodging questions.

The comedy comes from the way he turns serious politics into a ridiculous display of double talk.  I got them all over middle America and I have thrush off on also have heartburn. And my stepdaughters, I have four of them. Oh yeah, I didn’t do too good on the fourth marriage and I have four stepdaughters I’m trying to put through they’re put through animal husbandry school.

And  Oh yeah.  Unique.  Yeah. Well, they are.  And uh One wrestles with a bear, plays second base.  And you can tell that she’s got a lot of work ahead of her. But uh  No, I I throw a I throw a curve. This if you’re watching now, please. This is a curve.  That’s curveball.

 Yeah, you have to do this with people. This is a knuckler.  Knuckler.  THIS IS ACTUALLY ARTHRITIS.  AS AN AGING BALL PLAYER, Winters needs only a few hand movements to sell the whole bit. Curveball, knuckleball, arthritis. Everything slides from sports into old age with perfect comic timing.

 Now we’re going to talk just briefly to an average citizen of the United States and your name, sir, is  Uh Wayne Second Face.  Wayne Wayne Second Face?  Wayne Second Face.  What do you Where do you call home, Wayne?  Three. Jonathan Winters turns a strange childhood into a storm of laughs with a line that immediately sends the show off the rails.

In just a few seconds, Carson knows there is no way to predict where this man is going.  You people in the back  fighting looks like a joke. But Jonathan explains it with the strangest seriousness. The comedy lives somewhere between childhood innocence.  Get into it.  This is classic Winters. A simple school drawing becomes evidence of a much bigger problem.

The more wrong the story gets, the more charming it becomes. Jonathan turns his Marine Corps memories into a wonderfully cocky joke. He does not tell the story like a hero. He tells it like a soldier who never quite fit in. And that is what makes it so funny.  Back to Cincinnati, but uh  This is a dark little line, but very Winters.

He talks about age, home, and relatives who are gone in such a light voice that the laughter carries a little sadness underneath.  What?  Four. Jonathan Winters turns politics into a mad circus.  So, you know what?  Almost a standing ovation there. They were in a  But they were not.  Well, I guess.  It was kind of a  I guess.

 It’s kind of a squatting ovation.  That’s about as close as I’ll ever get.  I’m quite pleased with that.  If they just make a move, that’s enough. Now, when I said strange, you knew why.  No. Well, I’m I’m off the sauce. I’m off the sauce, too. Yes, you know that.

 I have joined you.  I just have a little shaving lotion on.  Just a little something.  It’s just just a little touch of tongue and on.  Just just for old days, huh?  Sure.  Take a little slap of that.  Jonathan sits down and immediately calls himself strange in the most charming way. He does not have to overplay it.

One line about shaving lotion is enough to make Carson laugh.  I don’t mean that.  No, no, I understand. I I think that there are a lot of strange people, you know. I was I was a strange child.  Were you, really?  Mhm. Yeah. I I used to get up on the top of the barn with the pigeons.  And you know, just And to see a man, you know, in full overalls go, “Hey, what’s he doing up  there?” Then when I try to jump down, why you know, they’d stick you with a fork.

 That kind of sets your life. Yes. You never really lived on a on a farm, did you?  Winters talks about childhood like it was a tall tale. The more he describes himself as a strange child, the more you see that the strangeness became the comedy goldmine of his whole life.  Uh but I uh you know, yeah, I uh I shocked corn and cut wheat.

Made a great salary. I think three months 25 bucks was tops to get my bicycle. And um I always tell my boy that and he just he does this. Yeah. YEAH. UH THAT’S  KIDS DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT.  THEY don’t want to hear that and they’re going to hear that until I go to the great place in the sky.  The great silo up there.

 The great silo. But uh I still I still enjoy going back to the farm. I I did want to tell you a little kind of a semi-funny story.  Never want to say funny because they’re oh oh let’s let’s hear it.  An old memory of working on a farm is told almost casually. Jonathan does not complain about being poor.

He turns that rough, humble past into laughter that feels very human.  How much now I guess I’ve been fishing. They’ve had some tornadoes which took the majority of the fish away.  And that will take every bit of line, YOU KNOW.  HEY BOY, I WAS I I I HOOKED ONTO THAT ONE, you know. Hey, there.

And then when you see the rod and reel,  and eventually the guy goes, you know,  Why is that so hard?  It’s bad fishing is is off. Right. for those couple of days, but Anyway, I went to see Wally, and he had the big cement tank there with the dead minnows in it.  And uh those are minnows, I should say.

 And of course it’s nightcrawlers and some garden worms, and that’s pretty much it. Uh plus some cheap fishing equipment. And uh so I walked over to Wally, and I said, “Uh Wally, how you doing?” He said, “Hey, real good seeing you, John.”  A simple fishing story becomes a bizarre disaster. The fish, the rod, and the fisherman all seem to get swept into Winter’s runaway imagination.

 And then he said, “Uh well, what are you doing?” And I said, “Well, uh I’m in television, Wally.” He said, “You know, Ruth Ann’s got a Zenith. I wonder if you take a LOOK AT IT.”      I SAID THEN, I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT, BUT I said, “No, no, I’m I am an actor, a comedian.

” And there was a long, long take. “That’s right. I remember you did that stuff in high school. Yeah, are you still doing that stuff?” I said, “I’m still doing that stuff.” “Mhm.” And he went back to the dead minnows.  Wally’s not up on current current events too much.  No, no. He uh  This is a wonderful little moment.

Jonathan says he works in television, and an old friend thinks he fixes TV sets. It is a small misunderstanding, but it captures Winter’s deadpan humor perfectly.  That’s standard, you know, it’s like a man is a colonel or a general, you know, he’s always a general.  Uh-huh. Does Does Mrs.

 Settlinger refer to you as the president, or does she call you Millard?  She’s in the basement a lot. And uh she’s scotch-taped down there to an old wicker chair.  I see.  I don’t I I just you know, after I get out of office, she was good to me in office and with me and helped me campaign and all everything. She was there always see the right hand, you know, and all that and all that.

 The woman behind the man.  Well, now she just sits in a chair and does this with potatoes and waffles, you know.  Uh-huh.  You still keep active uh  Face her out.  And face her out.  The moment he becomes a former president, Jonathan drags the character into absurdity. Political seriousness collapses under one completely ridiculous image.

 Pick them up, pick them up, pick them up, you know. And read them and read them and read them and and then end up with some milk, you know. Cookies rather than pay for the magazines.  Mr. President, now this question I I hope, Mr. President, you realize that I’m asking this question with all the respect of your office, but it’s well known to the voters of this country that you were you were a poor farm boy  Oh, we didn’t have anything.

 You became president. You come from a poverty-stricken family and yet today you live in a $6 million home.  Mhm.  And uh  Well,  Do you care to comment at all on that? How on a president’s salary  I really don’t care to comment on it. I’m toward the end of my string and I don’t want it snap.

 Carson asks a direct question, and Winters dodges it beautifully. The more the character tries to stay dignified, the funnier the false seriousness becomes.  No, no, I said give me some money and  I don’t want to go back to where I was in that little terrible house that we had.

 It was, you know, like this and  Well, thank you for It’s been nice talking with you.  Well, nice to talk to you. I  How would you like to be remembered, Mr. President? Your greatest greatest accomplishment as president that the people will will remember you for?  Well, let me say this. And there’s, you know, I know you’re getting signs all the time in life.

 Give me the bottom line. Let’s get to it. Right.  Right.  For a man 86, I think it’s a miracle my delivery is still darn good.  The expired punchline is Winters at his sharpest. It is just a small joke about death, but it is light, strange, and hard to forget.  Thank you, Mr. President.    Five, Jonathan Winters talks drinking, old age, and wild paintings.

 In the doctor’s office. And  We were both You were seeing one doctor and you were seeing another.  right. Yes.  And I guess it was the it was the weight thing, wasn’t it? To get rid of the Get the over Overweight we don’t need.  Yeah.  So, I’ve lost 20. I really been working at it. I I think the Colonel can be real proud of me because I live there at the uh at Colonel Sanders’ place.

 They really put me on an awful lot of chicken.  And I’ve begun to walk a little faster. And do a lot of  But you needed the eggs anyway, I suppose.  Jonathan talks about losing weight in a gentle way. But one strange little phrase turns the whole diet into a joke.

It is calm, odd, and very much his style.  But I hope to by Christmas be down to around 195 190.  I’ll join you there.  I’m not eating any meat.  No meat.  Drinking You know the toughest thing to do is is eight glasses of water a day.  Well, you’re not doing that, are you?  Really keeps you on the go.

You’re a mover. all the time. You don’t have too much time for any conversation.  But and people are a little amazed just to you start out saying and then discussing something and say, “Hey, see you in a minute.”  And I would just say don’t don’t ask, you know, I’ll be back in a few minutes.

 An ordinary dieting tip becomes a social disaster in Winter’s hands. Drinking so much water that there is no time left to talk. Simple. Visual and perfectly charming.  You drink two of those funny jars and  I remember well when you’re doing, you know, 75, 80 miles an hour going down the wrong wrong freeway, the traffic coming against you.

That’s a little frightening. To them and you.  Who was it? I think it was a mutual friend of ours. Now, I won’t mention the name that had that problem once and decided on the way home that being a good citizen saying, “Look, I’m not in a mood and I’m a little whack and he’s going to pull over to the right hand lane.

” I think you know the person and park. And the next thing he remembers is the officer, big fellow with a helmet tapping him. And the gold head, yes. He had pulled over to the center line, the marker. And parked the car and gone to sleep thinking he was  being a good citizen.  This story is dangerous and funny in the way old show business memories sometimes are.

Carson and Winters turn a wild moment on the highway into the kind of laughter that belongs to another era.  younger days  Yes, I I remember one time talking about the the police momentarily about the police.  I was doing about 75, 80. And the police of course I saw the the red light going. And slowed down immediately and I was bombed. Bombed through the gills.

 And the guy said pull over. And I said oh. WHEREABOUTS? AND  RIGHT THERE. SO UH HE CAME OVER AND HE SAID SEE YOUR license please and I said yep yep it’s here somewhere. He said you’ve been drinking.  The whereabouts line is short, clean, and very Winters. He does not need a long explanation.

One word is enough to twist the whole situation.  We were completely clothed and just put our legs in the pool. Shoes and everything on.  And uh to cool off. That’s that’s when I knew it was time to stop.   It’s time to pack it in.  time to pack it in.  Buy the farm and settle down.

 Well I Do you miss it at all?  No no I I’ll tell you very honestly I I would like a little wine at Thanksgiving. I always think that’s nice. And a good expensive cigar to sit there you know and do that and and sip on the little wine but um it it’s over. It’s over because um I know if I’m going to have a little wine then I’ll have a little vodka and a little scotch.

And uh All of a sudden it’ll be Wednesday.  Yeah of course.  Or it’ll be the year 2000.  This moment is funny but there is darkness under it. Jonathan knows that even a little drink could send him very far off course. So the joke sounds light and honest at the same time.  And I had a had a a fun that’s why I brought bought this old bracelet um So anyway I did something which I thought was a little different.

 What the Indian thought it was very different.  I had a had a had a wooden arrow with a little rubber tip on it and I WENT  AND UH HE JUST LOOKED AT ME SAID YOU WHITE people are something else.” But, uh anyway, we got to talking about uh tattoos, and I remember I uh I went I entered the Marine Corps when I was  Winters tells a story involving Native Americans with a completely silly image.

The humor comes from the other person’s helpless reaction to Jonathan’s childish little bit.  And um so anyway, we went to this tattoo parlor. Tattoo people are strange, you know what I mean? The guys that put the tattoos on are there. Um they’re covered with them, of course, and walking advertisements. And a guy had an eagle.

 They I remember he just had a pair of khaki pants on and some funny little sandals. Th- This was the guy that had the needle uh and then was doing the tattooing. And a huge eagle, one of the biggest eagles I’ve ever seen in my life. And uh had the head of a HUMAN BEING AND  THAT’S WHEN I KNEW I DIDN’T WANT A TATTOO.

 SO, I When I saw that, I passed.  Yeah, my friend got several.  I got close to that in the service once. I was going to chicken out the last minute.  I think everybody  You think that’s the manly thing to do?  Yeah. I uh  Just by stepping into a tattoo shop, Jonathan creates a strange little scene.

The eagle with a man’s head is enough to convince him he no longer needs to prove his masculinity.  This Sunday  and then you will open to the public on November the 19th, which is at the Ancrum Gallery, which is down That’s on  19th. Yeah.  uh La Cienega Boulevard here in Los Angeles, and these are uh photographs of  Yeah, these are I took these little photographs myself.

 Cuz a lot of these are in private collections. Yeah. And you’re doing well. Are you mainly oils?  I’m I work in acrylics.  Acrylics.  Yeah. Right. That’s uh the title of that one is called uh two birds watching Doris Day’s cat and dog drown.  And you  uh say they uh uh See the little kitty?  Yes, I see a little kitty there.

 The kitty’s down below and the doggie’s on top, you see.  It’s all a little far out.  This is called the uh first day of war.  This is Winters in another form. Even painting becomes comedy. The titles are long, dark, and strange. As if his imagination simply refuses to stand still.  Young couple out of Malibu on  that.

 And some of these are already in private collections and uh  Six, Jonathan Winters turns Thanksgiving into a memory that hurts and makes you laugh.   So, I’m carrying everything. I I’ve been trying it for a long time and I’ll tell you, you know, it it’s just uh since we’re on this  Yes.  Yeah, and we I want to be I’m so thankful, really, to be here at this particular time.

Because of the book and because I’m alive and and you know, my shoes are corrective.  I can feel my toes now. Uh they didn’t come through a chiropractor. Uh they What is nice to chiropractor? You’re You’re a colonel. What is it? A general?  Corropodist. Corropodist. Corropodist.  Or podiatrist.

 Podiatrist. You know, I had too many guys working on my feet. That’s why they had to be corrected.  But at any rate, uh I I you know, stopped drinking a long time ago. Obviously, I haven’t stopped eating, but I uh I stopped smoking. There’s so little left.  Jonathan sits down and immediately turns old age into comedy.

Orthopedic shoes, toes, a foot doctor, quitting drinking, quitting smoking. It sounds like a list of a body trying to survive. But in his mouth, it becomes warm, human self-mockery.  It’s gone away. Yeah, so he’s wise away.  Does it bother you getting older?  No, it doesn’t bother me. I’m 62 now, John.  What was it you said one night? You’re on on  Final glide path.

 Yeah.  It’s the fourth quarter.  Yeah.  For those people who are doing a lot of this, get ready. You can’t take that can through. It doesn’t happen. Um  I uh my stepfather once said to me, uh if you make 60, you are definitely in the fourth quarter. Definitely. Might be OT.  Mhm.

 Uh  You come from a family of take  Small family. I was only child.  I didn’t  glad. I got everything there was to get. Uh  No rivalry or not  No rivalry. No, I fought an attorney, killed him on the spot. He said, “You get the kitchen knives.” Good.  Carson asked about getting older, and Jonathan does not avoid it.

He calls the 60s the fourth quarter, then turns it into a joke about being an only child and inheriting kitchen knives. The humor is light, but there is something deeper there. He knows he is aging, but he refuses to let age take away the laugh.  Get off the kitchen knives.  You got it.  Uh This was a book took me 5 years.

 5 years?  Yeah. Little slow.  Well  Uh  You have a word processor?  No, I don’t have a word processor.  now. If you were a kid now, you’d have a word processor.  This is all I got.  Yeah.  And uh that’s all Lincoln wrote with, you know. I I I don’t I don’t  I uh I just I can’t type.

 Very honestly, I can’t. It’s unfortunate. And with a secretary situation, it’s a little frightening, you know, the senators are being reported and things. So, um I thought it’s better to stick with a little hand.  Did your Did your Did your wife suggest you should not use a secretary? Or was that your  away. Right away.

She said that ballpoint pen, get on it. And so I went down in the basement, and between jobs, uh wrote this little 216-page book.  This is Jonathan A book that took 5 years. No typewriter, no word processor, just a ballpoint pen and a basement. The more seriously he explains it, the more writing a book sounds like a survival mission.

 Some of your observations.  Okay.  Okay. Sit right up. Pencils up or pencils down? This is called uh How much money did you make today, little man? How much money did you make today, little man?  Only 15 cents. I sold an old green bottle I found buried out back of the barn.  How much money did you make today, little man?  Carried some groceries, four big bags of them, for an old woman to her car.

 She gave me a whole quarter.  How much money did you make today, little man?  I raked leaves all day long for Mr. Rogers. Took them in an old old dirty sheet down the Buck Creek and burned them. Both my hands are sore and full of blisters. Mr. Rogers gave me a dollar, silver dollar. Said he’d had it for a long, long time. That’s Mr.

 ROGERS CRACKING NUTS.  HE WAS OUT OF THE  JONATHAN READS THE passage more slowly than usual. At first, it is only about a boy trying to earn a few cents. But behind it is a childhood shaped by poverty and by doing whatever he could to get a little money in his hand.  And a picture of him in uniform when he was in World War I.

 How much money did you make today, little man? I shoveled snow all day Saturday and most of Sunday. Would have made a bunch of money, but the handle broke as it was. Almost made two bucks. How much money did you make today, little man? I didn’t make a cent today. Hard to believe, ain’t it? I’ve been hustling ever since I was born, but today I found something better than money, something I’ve been looking for for a long, long time, ever since my dad died. No, it ain’t money.

I found a friend, a real friend, somebody who don’t care whether I got money or not. Last thing she said to me today was, “I don’t care how much you made today, little man. I love you and just want to be your wife.” It’s not to say she doesn’t love me. I’m sure she does and I love her. But, we’re only kids and I’ll bet you anything when I grow up and do marry her, first thing she’s going to say is  This is the most touching part of the reading.

The boy does not find money. He finds someone who loves him. But, Winters still ends it with a very human turn. When you grow up, the first question may still be “How much did you make today?”  You have described yourself as a 60-year-old kid, right?  Well, 62. Yeah.  62. You still have  on to your childhood possessions? Oh, yeah. I’ve got my ball mitt.

Which is really it’s it’s it’s it’s small. It’s just that my hand is small and and it just very barely covers my hand. Go ahead and sit Well, it’s an old mitt. A Walker Cooper out of St. Louis. Um  You can’t You can’t throw it away, right?  No, I can’t throw it away. I’ve got stuff like this.  I tried to throw it away and it was thrown back at me.

 Yeah.  Uh no, I have marbles. I have a .22 uh rifle. I have a lot of a couple boxes of soldiers and I got to tell you one little story John, especially this time of the year when people are you know in the festive mood and also people with you know large pins ready to hit the turkey there in New York and and watch a No, wait wait.

 Um no, I was kidding about that.  When Carson calls him a 62-year-old kid, the moment suddenly has real depth. A baseball glove, marbles, a .22 rifle, toy soldiers. Jonathan is not just keeping objects. He is holding on to a part of childhood that never quite disappeared.  I stuck it in a real turkey. He went at me. Um  No, when I came home, this is a moment of grief, but for a lot of people, but I I I came home from the war and I was just again talking about Thanksgiving and you know like yourself, you know, uh striping people there in Philadelphia.

Um but I I I came I came home and I went down the stone road. My mother was there and I said, you had to kill her a lot and she was in show business. She was in radio and an actress but I’d say, mother it’s me, you know, and her eyes were not Vaseline at that time. And I said,  Johnny, your son. I see you. I see you.

So it was a very demonstrative family and um  And you know, a lot of the the minorities would run and grab grab each other but boy, when you’re full Caucasian a lot of times it’s pack up, you know.  This is Winters at his funniest and most tender. He tells the story of coming home after the war with a joking voice.

 But underneath it is a family that did not know how to show affection easily. The late hug makes the moment warmer than most jokes.  Very sensitive at that time too. I mean, if you if you said that’d been said to me in the service and of course, grenade. So I I didn’t have any grenades or she’d have been history.

So I said, Daryl, say about your mom. We’re a tough family so  call it as you see it.  Yeah, you got it. Cuz she’d survive, I know her.  Yeah.  And uh  Tough old lady.  blow her into a tree, come right out with some squirrel, you know. SO UH SHE SAID, YOU’RE 20 YEARS OLD, what are we talking about the toys for? And I said, I said they She said I gave them away to the mission. I said, that’s all right.

You know, that’s okay, the poor kids. But you should have you should have written me. You know, those last hours in Philadelphia, where I discharged. And I said, please, why why you should have let me know.  When he asks where his toys went, his mother’s answer is both cold and painful. How was I supposed to know you’d survive? Sounds like a punchline, but it cuts deeper than that.

 Winters turns it into laughter, but the laughter has a very clear shadow.  They went around in circles and then everybody So about 7,000 people went Mhm.  Let me move on. No Evan Root’s no Jose Gang. So uh I imagine they got to Plymouth Rock, you know, what it was around 1620?  Mhm.  Something like that. 1620.  Jamestown, I guess.

 Jamestown, good. And uh I pointed  That’s Jamestown. Yes, it says on the map, Jamestown. Everybody Yeah, yeah, yeah.  And of course the boat went right into the Plymouth Rock and  uh they swam ashore. And then they got up on the rock and uh everybody prayed, usually on the rock, and uh those that didn’t pray were cuffed around a little bit.

And uh by the minister, you know. Hey, you you know, don’t you believe? You don’t believe? Mhm, you know, [clears throat] so  Uh then of course the Indians showed. God bless the Indians, you know, I  Jonathan rebuilds the first Thanksgiving like a history lesson gone completely wrong.

 Boats sailing in circles, people praying on Plymouth Rock, and anyone who does not pray getting handled quickly. History becomes a wild little stage play in his hands.  How do you think uh the farmer Elwood P. Suggins would feel about Thanksgiving, huh? You know, does he does he raise turkeys, Mr.  Yes. I raised uh turkeys.  In the beginning, we raised turkeys back in the late ’30s.

 We had over 7 So we had about 600 of them and I thought it was early snow, but it was just white turkey. And uh we just went out there with a full shot, about 12 shot, opened up, and got a lot of them and uh Then then I had heavy grief over that.  Uh-huh.  And I had heavy grief that I’d killed them birds. So today, we just wait for a Cadillac to come through town.

 And uh if they cross the road, the Cadillac belongs to the Cadillac air. And I pick one out just for Sunday, right out of the grill.  Bird had just like this, you know, had the design on it and everything. But uh  When he becomes Elwood, Jonathan opens up another world.

 Turkeys, a Cadillac, a bird caught in the grill, all of it is absurd. But he tells it like a perfectly ordinary farm story.  We have uh we’ve taken to eating some uh small animals. I don’t want to go into that.  Uh  Wait, Mrs. Suggins is still living there?  Mrs. Suggins is full of life. Yeah. She’s bedridden.  I didn’t  Uh yeah.

 Which works in her favor.  I see.  I give her lots of chocolates.  Good-hearted woman, though.  And a new VSR, whatever it thing she’s asked for some special see movies on.  Watches movies, yeah.  Yeah. And she watches that. And I watch her, and then we watch the movies together. I get her to the window so that she can look at the kids, you know, just drag her out of bed and over to the window.

 Go ahead and do  This may be the darkest stretch, and also one of the most unmistakably Winters. He talks about Mrs. Suggins in bed, watching movies, looking at children through the window, and then pushes it into a deeply strange fantasy. Carson can only laugh because Jonathan has gone too far and somehow stayed calm.

 She’s probably watching that. We’ll be right back. We’ll be right back, honey.   [cheering]  Seven. Jonathan Winters turns family life into a strange comedy.  Kind of toy land music there.  Answer the sugar plum boys or whatever they are.  That’s kind of kind of cute.

 I don’t know what that was.  yourself.  Oh, All year round I like to go to the window, you know, and uh the toy windows and look at the little funny things in the in the window, the little toys, whatever they are.  What have you been doing lately? Haven’t seen you  I’ve been doing literally nothing.  I uh I’ve been watching prices soar.

 Jonathan walks out and pulls the whole stage back toward childhood. He talks about toy store windows like a boy who never fully grew up, and that is part of the special charm of Winters.  And uh I’m now going back into my old wardrobe.  Wearing things with a little funny narrow lapels.

 Yes.  Cutting back.  Yeah.  And uh wearing shoes that are worn. This These rascals are shot, but  they uh I’m cutting back. Boy, I’m making a lot of a lot of cut No, I haven’t cut any  turning the thermostat down at all, Lon?  Yeah, we turned that off.  Turn it completely  off.

 We I’ll tell you seriously, we had a friend of ours come out here uh from Ohio. She’s back in Columbus and uh  From doing nothing and rising prices, Jonathan turns everyday life into grounded self-mockery. Old clothes, worn shoes, outdated lapels. It sounds poor, but never pitiful, because he always knows how to tilt it toward comedy.  convention.

 And uh  Oh, god.  No end to the clapping or  So uh at any rate, she she came to uh to visit us, as she has in the past, and she said um “My gosh, it’s cold in this house. It’s just uh Can’t you turn the heat up a little?” And I said, “No, there’s no chance of My wife and I are quite comfortable, Dory.

” And uh she said,  “Lord, I’m just I’m freezing.” I said, “Well, put on all your clothes, you know.” Put on more dresses.  Little mega noise up there.  Sure, sure, because I said we’re not turning it up. And uh she she looked at us with that funny look to say, “Can’t you afford to turn it up just a little?” And I said, “We can, but we won’t.

”  No.  And uh she left uh rather angrily.  Mhm.  This is a strong bit because the situation is clear and funny right away. A A complains that the house is cold, while Jonathan and his wife refused to turn on the heat. The comedy is in the cheapness, delivered as if it were a sacred household rule.  Right.

 So, before I’m not too far from the furnace, and so I can check on that.  Then what did I have happen? I had a thing happen. I was painting the other night and some glue some glue spilled on the floor and I forgot momentarily. I phase out, you know.  Just little constantly, you know. Just just phase out.

 And here was glue just all over and my cat came down and  I noticed kitty was quite still. So, I said I said, “Come on, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on, tiger.” That’s That’s his name, Tiger. “Come on, tiger. Come on, tiger.” And tiger’s just like this, you know.  And I looked down at his little paws and he was in quite hard [clears throat] in the glue.

And I said, “Well, it’s tough, you know.  I’m strong. I can get out of it.” I SAID,  “YOU JUST MAKE up your mind you’re going to get out of that glue.” But I had to I had to give him some help.  Yeah, I must have done.  So, I [clears throat] left his paws but  I’m kidding.

 A small painting accident becomes a full scene of chaos. The cat is stuck to the basement floor. And Jonathan tells the story with incredible calm. It has everything that makes Winter’s Winters. A strange image, a little madness, and a perfectly straight face.  You see I was saying, “Oh, that’s terrible.” No, no.

 No, no. I got the kitty out fine and cleaned his little paws thoroughly. Gave him a thorough cleaning and uh then proceeded to put on little booties on the kitty. Just little  Is that the only pet you have now?  Little project. Yeah, well, we have a cat and a dog now. We we lost a couple of pets. Um but our dog yes, we have a small small dog who’s just a cur.

About 25 35 cent dog.  Very very pleasant. It has about a 35 cent bark. You know.  Did you pick him up at the pound or just a  No, [clears throat] we didn’t pick him up at the pound. We found him on a porch. And uh  Just just like this, you know. Walked up, picked the dog up.

Waved to the people in the house.  AND UH TOOK THE DOG. HE DIDN’T SEEM TO CARE. WELL, BYE.  Jonathan talks about the dog as if it were a discount item sitting on somebody’s porch. The little wave to the elderly couple while carrying the dog away makes the story strange and sweet at the same time.

 Um but I I really at my at our age, you’re you’re 49 now, aren’t you?  Yes, that’s true. Mhm.  Uh at our  As you said once on the show before, we’re on that  In that final glide path.  Think Think of that lady who was out here 105.  That’s uh  That’ll be interesting to see you doing the show at that age, Johnny.

 You and I, huh?  Sitting here.  You 105, me  Are you still in the basement? Oh, I don’t go down there anymore.  Too far to go. Well, everything now IS IN ONE ROOM.  I DON’T KNOW IF I’D WANT TO BE AROUND.  IT NOW WHEN I’M 49.  I don’t know what state the world’s going to be in another 50  Carson and Jonathan talk about age with jokes.

But there is a little nostalgia underneath. The phrase final glide path sounds light. Yet it turns middle age into a slow landing. Funny, but familiar to older viewers. Jonathan Winters did not just make Carson laugh. He turned every story, every voice, and    every strange character into a doorway back to a time when late-night television felt alive, natural, and impossible to predict.

 If these moments brought you  back to the golden age of The Tonight Show, please like the video, subscribe to the channel, and leave a comment telling us which Jonathan Winters moment made you laugh the hardest.